Dear God,

... Please watch over Your children.

So many are suffering and are in need of Your love and Your guidance. I am one of those children... I have been so lost in this world that I haven't made any attempts at improving my life. I tried working on my anger, but I didn't succeed. I gave up on it too quickly and too easily. Lord, please give me the strength to move forward. Please give me the strength to carry on and live my life as a better person. I'm so tired of hurting... I'm tired of all of this negative energy. I'm tired of the devil thinking he can have his way with me. I won't allow it. I won't allow it, God. I will not allow him to influence me...

In Jesus' name I pray,

Amen

Prayer...

Dear God,

I come to You today as a daughter trying to find her way. I know that I have been inconsistent in the past with my walk with You, but I want You to know that I am fully committed to You now. I understand that being fully committed requires me to lay all of my burdens down at Your feet and start a new life with You. I am struggling, Lord, with so many things that ail me and strip me of my happiness. Show me, Lord, the key to my happiness — the key to a happier, more prosperous life.

I ask that You guide me down Your paved pathways and bring me into contact with Your people — people who will love me, support me, and who will not tear me down. I want You to remove all the negative influences from my life and set up a forcefield or a shield for my eyes and my flesh. I know that I have sinned against You by engaging in sex premaritally, but I ask You to forgive me now and to help me to NOT give into temptation.

I am trying my best to be as Holy as You are, but I cannot do it alone. I need You — You are my backbone, my support, and my structure. You are the foundation. You are the way. You are the light to all of my darkness. You are the hope to my despair. You are the truth to all of the worldly lies. You are the comfort to my pain. You are a healer, Lord... a cleanser. CLEANSE ME! Cleanse me of my worldly sins... Forgive me for what I have done in the past and for what I may do in the future.

Only You know my heart, God... So help me to not be affected by what others think of me. Help me channel my emotions in healthier, more Godly ways. Help me gain control of my life, for I feel as if my anger and frustration have grabbed hold of me. Please release me from my bonds and my chains... Free me from the things that keep me away from You.

Although I am putting all of my efforts into You now, please forgive me if I fall. Forgive me if I am not strong enough... Don't forget about me. I know of Your everlasting love, but I still do not fully understand. I still cannot grasp the severity of the love that You have and provide. TEACH ME! Show me in Your Word the things You want me to know. Teach me to be like You and like Your Son. Oh, God, I am weak... But You are so strong. You are so righteous... I know You can do many things in and throughout my life.

I want to take time out right now to thank You for all that You have done for me. I want to thank You for all that You have given me. I understand that I am blessed and highly favored and that I would be nothing without You. I would not have anything that I have had it not been for Your unconditional love. Often times, I have tried to take credit for all of my success, but I was WRONG. YOU are the creditor to all things positive that have happened in my life.

My intelligence? I owe to You. My wisdom? I owe to You. My understanding of different situations? I owe to You. My compassion? I owe to You. My sympathy? I owe to You. My desire to help people? My desire to be the best me? My reason for moving forward? I owe them all to You. I am forever grateful for all that You have done, are doing, and will continue to do for me and the people around me.

How could I ever repay You? How could I even begin to pay You back for all that You have done? I guess I could start out by confessing my love and desire for You. I could start out by studying Your Word. I could start out by praising You, worshipping You, engulfing myself in You, surrounding myself with others like You... Just doing my part.

Again, I cannot and will not be able to walk this path alone. Surely there will be shortcomings, trials, tribulations, and many, many obstacles You may have me face in order to test my faith... Lord, I will try my best to be strong for You. As long as You continue to guide me... I am not implying that I would ever give up on You; I am merely stating my dependence upon You. For so long I have thought of myself as an independent — doing things on my own without help from anyone. I know now that it was You all along. You masked Yourself in things that I would be able to understand, since I wasn't able to see You... You waited for me, and now, I am here.

Please guide Glen down the paths to You as well, God... I know that he is one of Your people, a strong man that You have placed in my life. Guide him. Help him to help me to not give in... Help him be a part of my walk, my journey. I want You to work in and throughout his life, too. Thank You for blessing me with his presence... Because he understands my wishes to be closer to You, I know that You are real. I know that he is someone that You want for me, because he does not wish to corrupt me. He wants for me what You want... Help him remember those things... Help him to continue to respect those things...

If he is the man You wish for me to spend the rest of my life with, please work with our relationship. Help us to become a better Christian couple, better followers of You. Help us fight our fleshly desires... Protect us from the Devil's bonds and holds... Cleanse us of our desires for sexual activities... Show us Christian ways to show our love and affection for one another. Help us respect our bodies. Cleanse us of our lustful thoughts. Remove us from harmful situations... Protect and shelter our hearts... that we may be blind to the world and be only aware of Your Will.

This is all I ask of You right now, Lord... I pray that You just show me the way.

In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen

Psalms 51, NIV

"HAVE MERCY on Me, O God,

according to Your unfailing love;

according to Your great compassion

blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity

and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,

and my sin is always before me.

Against You, You only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in Your sight,

so that You are proved right when You speak

and justified when You judge.

Surely I was sinful at birth,

sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

Surely You desire truth in the inner parts;

You teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;

wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Let me hear joy and gladness;

let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

Hide Your face from my sins

and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from Your presence

or take Your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,

and sinners will turn back to You.

Save me from bloodguilt, O God,

the God who saves me,

and my tongue will sing of Your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips,

and my mouth will decare Your praise.

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;

You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart,

O God, You will not despise.

In Your good pleasure make Zion prosper;

build up the walls of Jerusalem.

Then there will be righteous sacrifices,

whole burnt offerings to delight You;

then bulls will be offered on Your altar."

I need God in my life.

'nough said.

God must be doing something in my life, because He's constantly reaching out to me asking me to seek a better relationship with Him.

I'm 18-years-old, and I still haven't been baptized.

I would love for that to happen before I plan on getting married. I need to be in a completely different state of mind, a whole new person before I choose to spend the rest of my life with someone. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with my husband alone; I want to spend the rest of my life with God as well. I need God to guide my life down the right paths, and I will need Him in and throughout my marriage.

I know I have said many times that I'm going to start doing certain things and changing my life around for the better and blah blah blah, but each time I have always managed to fail at something. I can't guarantee full success, but I really would like to change my life around, even if it is just a little bit. I know this is going to a tough process for me, and I know I'm going to be faced with many, many, many milestones and temptations, but nothing can stand in my way. God won't allow it.

Oh, Religion...

I swear... I hate getting into religious debates. I hate trying to justify my beliefs and what I think is right/wrong. I know that I'm a believer and a follower of Jesus Christ and that I would consider myself a Christian if anyone ever asked. That should be all that matters, right? Wrong. It doesn't matter what you classify yourself as nowadays... If you don't live your life according to God's will, then you're no better than non-believers (in some people's eyes). It's just really tough for me to develop this consistent understanding of what I'm supposed to be doing in order to please God or what I'm supposed to steer away from. For example, I know that God says you shouldn't have sex until you're married. However, I struggle with this, because I believe you shouldn't necessarily have to wait until your wedding day to get it on. What if you're engaged to that person and you know for sure you're going to marry them? Why would it make a difference if you had sex with that person? Why would having sex with them be a bad thing if you're going to spend the rest of your life with them anyway?

Another thing I have an issue with is drinking and smoking. I know some people who appear to be these wonderful Christians: They always post statuses on FB about God, always tweet about God, etc., but they go partying every weekend and get drunk. If the Bible says that it's wrong for you to drink and smoke, why do people do it? If they know that it's wrong and that they shouldn't, why do they? Anyone could easily argue that it's the Devil that's making them do it, but is it really? Is it really the Devil or is it you deliberately defying God? And the Bible says that no man would ever purposefully do something to make God mad, so the Devil must be responsible for all of our sins.

From my stand point, I don't like people who would rather spend most of their leisure time smoking and drinking than doing something productive with their lives. Now, I know you're not supposed to judge, but that really says a lot about who you are as a person. It truly shows what your priorities are and what you find more/most important in life. I'm not saying I'm against smoking or drinking... I'm just saying I'm against doing all of these things and then going back and saying that you're this wonderful Christian. Sure, I know all people sin... But aren't we supposed to repent after we sin? And by repenting, we're promising God that we won't do it again, right? So why repent and then go back and do it over and over and over again? God doesn't like liars, and by doing that, you're essentially lying to Him. This is why I don't ask for forgiveness for certain things... I know I'm probably gonna end up doing them again anyway.

To contradict my own statement, I guess it would still be better to ask for forgiveness than to not ask at all. Asking would be a sign that you are aware of your wrong doings and that you love God and that you want Him to be in your life. He knows what you're going to do way before you do it, so you should just talk to Him about it... I think. I don't know... I just really need to get myself together. I need to open up my Bible whenever I'm struggling with something I feel I can't handle on my own. He has all the answers to my questions... He's the answer to all things. I just need to remind myself that.

Meditation, Dedication.

"He that saith he is in the light, and hateth his brother, is in darkness even until now." - 1 John 2:9

... One of the two scriptures I have been meditating on. I know and realize that hating my brother is not rightstanding with God. I don't hate him... I just really don't like him. He gets on my nerves so much! ... but I know I need to be patient with him. I know that in order for me to become a better person, I need to work on my attitude and alter my way of thinking. I know that I will not get far in life if I continue to let his childish antics affect me.

"Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him." - 1 John 2:15

... The other scripture I have been meditating on. A couple of weeks ago, I answered a question on Formspring about the three things of mine that I love. On Sunday, we discussed the flood in church and how people were so lost and so sad because of their stuff. This scripture comes into play, because my pastor, Darrion's dad, said that anything that they lost in the flood was just stuff... Stuff lost for a reason; stuff that can be replaced. He said that we should all be thankful and grateful that God spared our lives from the storms. Upon hearing that, I realized that I have a lot of physical attachments that I need to get rid of.

017.

What does it truly mean to be in love? I've often asked myself this and other ppl this at that... I've gotten a variety of different answers and a variety of similar answers as well. Still, I cannot truthfully say that I understand all that comes with this divine expression of emotions. I used to long for and want to be in love. Every relationship I encountered, I expected to fall in love or experience something close to it. I often felt lost without love or without a man to call my own... And out of this desperation, I sought love and affection from the wrong type of men... I sought love from the immature type; the type that would abuse the gift and tear me into itty bitty pieces. This... this is whyy I am not friends with love.

And contradictory to my last statement, I guess I would not know love if I did not know God... so I guess I just need to take the time out to love Him and myself before I love anyone else. I mean, I know I love the Lord... and I know I love myself... but I want to truly be in tune with myself, truly be in tune with the Lord... before I go out loving someone else.

Did that make any sense?

011.

Lately, I haven't been inspired to write. I'm trying my hardest to complete part four of Corinne, but it's becoming extremely difficult. I haven't figured out how I wanted to time out the events that are to happen in her life. On top of that, I haven't found the inspirations to create new characters yet. I know I'm gonna want about three more characters to focus on, so I guess I just need to start observing the things around me. I really don't want this work to be another failed attempt. I honestly get bored with my projects very easily, so hopefully my interest in this will remain in tact until I complete it.

I'm growing more and more distant from Mario as the days go by. I talked to him about it the other day and let him know that I would always be here for him if he ever wanted to talk. He said that he's just had a lot on his mind lately and that he hasn't really been talking to anyone. Idk if I can deal with that. My feelings are like, indifferent right now. Glen is still trying his hardest to be with me, and I guess I appreciate the consistency. I also appreciate his time and dedication, lol. He knows exactly what he wants.

As the days go by, I grow happier and happier. Well, not really happier per say, but you know... more content with my life. I've committed everything to the Lord at the alter, so I honestly don't have anything to worry about right now. Monday, Mr. and Mrs. Williams, Darrion's parents, had a meeting with me about the church vision and the church confessional prayer. As they explained it, I began to understand even more. I'm really determined to rebuild my relationship with the Lord. I'm also determined to learn and understand the Word, because I want to be able to quote from it and use it in my everyday life.

007.

Since the Internet is down right now, I’m typing this blog entry in Microsoft Word 2007. You can call it what you want, but when you need to write, you do what you gotta do. I originally planned on editing the previous blog entry and writing about what all went down that night, but now, I really don’t feel like it anymore. I don’t feel like elaborating or getting angry. I’m at peace right now… sort of. WE HAD NO SCHOOL TODAY! I was happy as hell. I get an extra day to complete some more homework. Ooh, now, the Internet is working again... Transferring this to the blog now.

Ok, now, I'm on the actual blog site writing... lol. I'm so silly. I went to my first Bible study last night. It was nothing like what I thought it would be. I thought Bible studies were when you all opened your Bibles, read them, and then, talked about the story or whatever it was that you were reading. Apparently, there are specific lessons that you touch on and specific verses you are to memorize. Right now, Idk if I like Bible study... but I'm sure it will all hit me later.

Let me tell you though... I've just been getting hit with all kinds of people from my past. The other day, I received a text message from my last boyfriend. I haven't talked to him since last summer when he texted me and I talked bad to him. Anyway, he sent me a text message basically saying "I'm sorry if I woke you up, but I just wanted to say happy new year." I texted him back in the morning, since I decided to let everything go at the end of last year. I told myself "Nahh, I'm not gonna be mean to him today..." He still seems like the same person. I honestly could care less if he texted me again.

Tuesday after school, I decided to finally drop by Jerrod's house to give him his stuff. I was with Darrion at the time, and the plan was to just give it to him and then, leave. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. Because I'm friends with his older brother, Jermaine, I ended up chilling for a lil' bit and making friends with one of their nephews, Malik. When I handed off his stuff, Jerrod had the nerve to wrap his arms around me and hug me. Later on, he apologized and shit like that. I was like "I hear you." Jermaine told me that he said that he missed me... and Darrion told me later that night that he said he messed up. Darrion was like "I know... She told me everything. What you did was fucked up."

I just wanted to laugh. When Jermaine told me that Jerrod said he missed me, I was just like "They usually do. When people pass up on a good thing, they usually regret it and miss me. It never fails." And it's the truth... I hate when people do that. You don't realize what you have while you still have me... but as soon as I'm gone, you wanna realize that you made a mistake by hurting me. I feel bad for all the guys in my past and all the guys in my near future. Because of "douche bags" [Darrion's words] like them, Idk what's real or who's real... and because Idk, I'm acting SHYSTY towards everybody!

I really, really do miss Mario... but at the same time, Idk what's up with him. Idk what's up with us, if there even is an us. In the beginning, Mario said that I would lose feelings for him... I tried to tell myself that that wouldn't happen, but now, Idk. I still like him a lot. I'm just not sure if these feelings I have are going to develop into anything more than... Hell, I don't even know what his current feelings are at this point. I just know that he likes me... Idk if he wants to talk to me or what. Idk if he wants to build a connection with me that will later on develop into a relationship. Idk anything.

On the other hand, Glen... Glen knows that he wants to be with me. It bothers me a lot... Every time I've been exposed to a guy who really wanted to be with me, he ended up being fake and shit like that. I'm not tryna get involved with all that. At the same time though, the inside of me really likes the guy. I guess I just don't like him enough to show it... or to act like I even care about what he has to say to me. I've been acting so rude towards him lately... Our closeness, our friendship, our bond has just been totally blown off the roof. Idk what to say to him anymore... I'ma just let things roll. If I'm supposed to be in a relationship right now, or in the near future, I'll be in one... and God will choose the right man for me.

006.

Today was one hell of a rollercoaster for me. I was happy, I was sad, I was angry, I was tired, I was annoyed, I was depressed... I was just all over the place. I prayed earlier... I asked God to help me out with my problems and show me some guidance. I really needed some answers, because no one out here was giving me any. I was crying and shit... My eyes hurt like hell right now. They feel like they did on New Year's Eve after I got through doing all that crying and stuff. But it's all good though... I'ma be aight. That's what Mario said anyway... He was right. I'm aight. I'm not great. I'm not bad. I'm just aight.

The experience I went through was nothing new... It was just the same ol' bullshit I've been going through all my life: my parents arguing, my family getting into drama, my daddy being a huge JERK and saying all kinds of unnecessary stuff to hurt my feelings... You know, the usual. I don't really feel like writing about it right now. There's just too much to say... and my mama's kinda bugging me to go to sleep right now, since it's like, going on midnight and what not. I'll edit this later.

004.

So I'm talking on the phone with my best friend right now... Idk what's wrong with him though. He says there's nothing wrong with him, and I want to believe him, but at the same time... Idk. I wish I would've started writing this earlier in the night, so it would've been posted on the same day as the events that I'm about to write about. *shrugs* Ohh, wells.

I went to church with Darrion today, and it was really good. I'm a member now. :] Darrion wasn't lying when he said it was "real church." They did Communion today, too. It was kind of weird, cause I haven't participated in Communion in years. The thing I drank/ate from was different from what I grew up with. Ohh, wells... I guess it's time for readjustment. But like I was saying... Church was good. I was prayed for by all kinds of people. Darrion told me that he prayed for me while we were up at the alter. He was too excited about me joining the church, lol.

Idk what made me go up there today... I guess the Lord was just calling on me. He told me that Mr. and Mrs. Williams were the ones that He sent to do His Will... and His Will is to wrap His arms around me and embrace me, to teach me, to hold me, to love me, and to fulfill all of my wildest dreams. His Will is to serve as my Lord and Savior, to be my one and only Father, to be the main priority in my life. And by me obeying His Word and walking up to the alter to be prayed upon today, I officially accepted Him into my life again and took the first step into my newly-crafted life in the eyes of God.

My feet are starting to hurt... I'm sitting Indian style right now, with this phone pressed up against the side of my face and my left shoulder. You know what I'm talking about... I have three icing-covered oatmeal cookies resting in my lap that I took from Darrion's house. My mama has the TV turned on SUPER LOUD for Idk what. My sister is sleeping in my mama's bed... My mama's doing something with her cell phone... My brother's sleeping in the living room... and my dad... My dad is somewhere, Idk. Nevermind, my mama just said he was sleeping downstairs. I'm fine now.

Darrion is waiting on me to finish writing this blog so that I may read it to him. I really don't know when I'll be done with it. Sometimes I just write a whole bunch and don't know when to stop... like right now, for instance. I guess I'll stop it here though... Ohh, wait. I forgot to write about dinner.

Ok, so after church, Darrion and I planned to go out to eat. Instead of just the two of us going, it ended up being the entire family. We went to the New Century Buffet and had a good time. We laughed and joked and just had merry conversation. That's about it though... I ate about three plates of food, plus ice cream. That ice cream was good, too. Aight, I'm finished now... I'll write later on today.

003.

As I sit here and read from the book of Job, I wonder what God has in store for me tomorrow. I had originally planned to go to church with my dear friend, Leah, since I didn't get to go with her last week. When I texted her asking what time I should be at her house, she replied saying that she was with her friend and that they weren't going to make it. I admit, it crushed me a lil' bit... cause it seemed like every time I made plans ahead of time, something got in the way of them. I'm not even gonna try to ask about coming next week, because I'm sure something else will come up. Back to church with the best friend, Darrion, I go... not that I have a problem with it. I enjoy his company.

He says that tomorrow is gonna be "real church" again. I'm still a lil' confused by that, but hey... whatever. As long as I get to go, I'm straight. I wonder what I'm gonna wear... I have laundry that I need to do. I'm back to my throw-the-dirty-clothes-behind-the-bathroom-door-when-you-change-out-of-'em ways. Yeaa, lol. I know that's a long description. I can't help it though... I'm too lazy to pick the clothes off of the floor and put 'em in the laundry basket that's right next door in my room. Idk whyy... I just am. I would much rather someone else do it, but at the same time... I know that would blow me off the roof. I hate when people touch my things... especially my clothes.

That second guy I was writing about [I'ma go ahead and say his name, Glen] is really trying to spend some time with me. He asked what I was doing next Saturday, but I had to let him know that next Saturday is my best friend's birthday. He was like "You're gonna be with him all day?" I simply responded "It's his birthday. What do you think?" Then, he asked me to take out two hours to spend time with him... That's funny. Darrion's not having it. It's not that I wouldn't mind spending time with the guy... It's just that he always asks at the wrong time. Every time he makes plans to do something with me, I already have other plans. The one time our plans were going to fall through, it rained ballistically outside. I thought I was gonna die... So there was NO WAY I was driving to the movies.

*continues reading*

"Therefore I will not keep silent;

I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,

I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.

Am I the sea, or the monster of the deep,

that you put me under guard?

When I think my bed will comfort me

and my couch will ease my complaint,

even then you frighten me with dreams

and terrify me with visions,

so that I prefer strangling & death,

rather than this body of mine.

I despise my life; I would not live forever.

Let me alone; my days have no meaning."

- Job 7:11-16.

I told ya'll one of my New Year's resolutions was to read the Bible more... So you know what I do? I flip to a random page in the Bible and just read. Yupp... That's pretty much it. I mean, how else will I get through the entire thing? Reading in order just makes it seem longer... and I'm afraid I might fall asleep or get distracted or something. *looks at clock* Hmm, it's getting late... or early, whichever you prefer. I should really go to sleep. I'm not tired though... *yawns* Ok, I didn't really just yawn, but I know I will eventually. Until next time...

001.

... My first private blog. This is where I will post all of my private thoughts, my secrets, my randomness, my everything. I have so many things I want to say sometimes... with no one to say it to. Sure, I have best friends; sure, there are people I can talk to... but nothing compares to writing and talking to yourself. Nothing compares to being able to say whatever you want whenever you want. It's almost liberating.

My mind has been almost completely blank today. Well, yesterday. New Year's Eve was amazing, as well as the start of the new year. I look forward to all God has in store for me. This is where I begin calling myself a lazy bum and a couch potato. Why? 'Cause I've been sitting in this same spot all day long -- the living room couch. It's so comfortable here... I can just lay back, relax, sleep, get online, watch TV, eat, read, do whatever it is that I want. If it were up to me, I would never leave this place. I would sit here forever... and just breathe.

My heart is so cold lately. I don't care about anyone or anything as much as I used to. I wish I could care even less. I'm so nice sometimes. I care so much about people sometimes. I just wish that they cared as much I do... I just wish that they cared for me to the same extent that I care for them... but I guess I can't wish that. I'm never going to get that.

There's this guy... and I think about him all the time. He makes me smile. His voice calms me, sooths me. His laughter excites me, makes me feel at peace. I love speaking to him; I love texting him. I love looking at his facebook to see when the last time he updated was. The thing is, he's 20. And I know that has nothing to do with anything, but sometimes, sometimes I wish I knew what was on his mind. Sometimes I wish I knew exactly what it was that he thought about me. I mean, I know he likes me. I know he thinks I'm gorgeous, beautiful beyond all measures. I know that he values and appreciates my intelligence. I know that I amuse him... but what else is there? I wonder... Does he think about me as much as I think about him? I know we're three years apart, but that's not a big age difference. I'm definitely very mature for my age, and he knows that.

Sometimes I wanna tell him how much he makes me smile... how happy he makes me. He started off as a crush, but then, he developed and turned into something completely more than. He became a guy that I liked, a guy that I cared for. He is my bfimh ♥. Don't know what that stands for? It stands for boyfriend in my head. Yupp, that's right... in my head. Because he's not my boyfriend in real life. Idk if I want him to be my boyfriend in real life. I'm not sure of what I want. I haven't had a boyfriend in over a year. Idk if I'm either mentally or emotionally ready to be with another guy. I know that he's different though... At least, that's what my gut tells me. My gut and my soul tells me that everything about him is different. Sure, he's had his past, his history, his share of emotional turmoil... but I still know that he's different.

When I don't talk to him, I miss him. I went through a three-day phase where I pessimistically thought that he was trying to avoid me. I thought, because he hadn't called me, that he didn't want to talk to me. I cried, because my feelings were hurt. I beat myself up about it, knowing that I probably was just over-reacting. I received a forward text message from my cousin one day, and it talked about making a wish. It said that if you did not send the message to 10 people within an hour of reading it, your wish wouldn't come true. Now, I normally don't believe that forward message, mythical bullshit, but this time, this time I thought I would make a wish anyway... knowing that it probably wouldn't come true. I wished that I could talk to him and then, I forwarded the message on.

Luckily enough, I heard from him that night. He texted me... and he called me. I told him how I missed him... He said he was testing me, that he was trying to see if I would call him for a change. I knew that I was trippin'. I knew that I was just over-reacting and going back to my emotional stages. I felt bad. I felt bad for accusing him of being or even thinking that he was like the other guys. Just writing about him right now makes me miss him. I called him earlier, but he didn't answer. I'm not stressing about it... He was the first phone call I made on the first of the new year. I was going to go see him, but my mama called telling me I needed to come home... It was going on 2:00 AM.

Enough about him though... There's also another guy. I met him at church a few weeks ago, and I thought he was cute. I didn't think anything of him though... I just thought he was a cool dude. When he asked for my number, he immediately said "Don't take this the wrong way... I'm not trying to talk to you." So I took that and went along my way... He wasn't trying to talk to me, and I wasn't trying to talk to him. He sure as hell did text me a lot though. We texted every day... We even talked on the phone. I had a feeling he liked me, because he left all kinds of obvious hints. He said sweet things, he spoke about this "girl" in third person, he never wanted to stop talking to me. I tried to play my role as a friend and nothing more, because I thought that was what he wanted. I couldn't help the fact that I liked him.

All I knew was, I didn't want him to know... and I definitely wasn't going to tell him. I didn't wanna look like a fool; I didn't wanna be rejected... So I just left it alone. One day, I received this confessions text message from him, so I confessed that I liked him. After that, we didn't talk about it. I took it as if he didn't like me, and I moved on. I focused my attention on the first guy... Then, he decided to tell me that he liked me, too. I told him it was too late... that he shouldn't have waited so long, because he gave me enough time to get over him. It hurt his feelings.

Now, Idk how or what I feel. I know that I like him, but I also know that I like the other guy more. This second guy though... He told me that he had never chased after a girl before. So I asked him... "You're chasing after me now?" His answer was yes. He said that there was just something about me... *laughs* I've heard that before. Idk what it is about him though... whyy I get so nervous when I'm around him, whyy I used to smile every time I spoke to him, whyy he was all I thought about for just a few days. Now, it's like I don't even care. He's chasing after me, and I don't even care. I like the first guy too much, but I also don't wanna be mean. I don't wanna completely cut him off, because I'm still single. I also don't wanna lead him on though... So maybe I should stop. Maybe I should stop associating with him completely.