Day One: 10 things you want to say to 10 different people.

To Glen: I love you so much. We have been through many ups and downs, and I'm proud that through it all, our relationship continues to grow stronger and stronger. I want you to know that I trust you with my heart... and that I know in my soul that you will never do anything to betray me. You have continued to be the sole reason why I try to maintain my happiness and my sanity. You are every single part of me, and I am anxiously looking forward to sharing my love with you for the rest of our lives.

To Darrion: I love you more than you will ever know... Thanks for being one of my best friends. Although I'm sure you never mean to, the things you say about me really do hurt my feelings. I know I never tell you this personally, but it's true. You make me feel inadequate sometimes... and that's probably why I don't talk to you as much anymore. When I talk to you, I feel less important than I used to be. I wish things could still be the same between us; you know, before the drama and before graduation and before coming to college... But I know that's entirely too much to ask for, and I have to learn to accept you as you are.

To Joshua: Where are you exactly? I mean, I know you're in North Carolina, but where are you exactly in my life? I feel like there is a huge gaping hole in my heart where you used to reside... Our laughter, our jokes, the times we spent together... The sharing of secrets, the hugs, the serious conversations, the advice... Where did all of that go? I always thought that as we grew older, our friendship would get stronger... but over the past year, I feel as if we could never be more distant. I miss you, best friend.

To Jessica: You get on my nerves so much. I will always love you, and you will always be my best girl, but I just can't tolerate your bullshit sometimes. There's a time and a place for everything, and right now, I don't know if I have any time to give you a place in my life right now. We are on two completely different pages, two completely different pathways, two completely different... Everything. It just isn't the same anymore.

To Bradford: You have been the most awesomest (yes, I'm aware that isn't a word) college best friend ever. I enjoy all of our conversations and the times that we spend together. I'm looking forward to building our friendship throughout the remainder of our freshman year of college, and I hope that we will continue to be friends for the rest of our lives.

To Boo Boo: I miss you! That's all I have to say.

To Mario Beene: You're an amazing guy... and I know you know this. Don't ever let anyone put you down, and make sure to keep everything just "strictly business."

To Leah: I love you, girl. We've been through hell and back, ups and downs, and everything in between. You understand me, and you make it your responsibility to check me when I am wrong. Thank you. I really hope you are enjoying yourself at APSU... It would've been fun having you here. I can't wait to see you whenever I get the chance. It will be like old times again, hopefully.

To Marie Ann: I love you, baby sis. You are my world. Keep up your grades in school. Don't get in trouble. Keep playing piano. I'll be home to visit you soon.

To God: I know this should be first, but I really didn't know what I wanted to say. I love You... and I want to grow with You and become more in tune with You. I appreciate You and everything You have done for and given me. I want You to know that I am trying... but I know You already know this. I am aware that You know everything, and I hope that You are proud of my efforts to seek You. It's been on my heart lately to find a place where I can worship You and find You and just praise you... I'm still searching for that place. I pray that You guide me in the right direction. Thanks again for everything.

10 Days...

... I saw this on my friend's Tumblr. I guess I'll do it to give myself something to write about.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day Seven: Four turn offs.

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

Day Ten: One confession.

Will start later today...



Heaven or Hell?

Have you ever seriously thought about this?

Elaborating later...

--- Edit 3:55 PM ---

I was watching this documentary on the History Channel called "Gates to Hell" or something around that, and it sparked up some questions and thoughts that I've suppressed in the back of my mind. Have any of you ever seriously thought about whether you would go to Heaven or Hell? Or what it takes to get into Heaven, and conversely, what qualifies someone to get sent to Hell? This topic is such a confusing and emotional one for me, I don't really know where to begin.

You see, after watching this documentary, it dawned on me that NO ONE is worthy of entering Heaven. It is only by GRACE that we are granted Eternal life. So ultimately, that means that it doesn't matter how Holy or religious or sanctified someone considers themselves or seems to be. They, too, can still be rejected by God. That mere fact alone scares the living daylights out of me. In church, I've heard that we are supposed to be as closely resembled to Jesus Christ as possible... That our main priority should be to live our lives as closely resembled to the way He lived, do Christ-like things, be Christ-like. If no one in the world can ever be as perfect as God or as Christ, how do we even begin to get started in that process?

Being perfect has to take a lot of work... And that's probably why sinning is so easy to do. It's convenient. And that's why the Devil is everywhere... at least, to me anyway. I think that because sinning is so much easier to do than remaining Christ-like, so many people choose to do so over striving to be the best Christian they can be. Now, I know I'm not perfect... In fact, I'm far from it. I've sinned many times throughout my entire life, and I know that I will continue to sin. I am aware of that. Am I proud of it? Not at all. Why do I know I will continue to sin? Because it's human nature. I don't care how hard someone will try not to sin... He or she will sin in some way or another. Hell, we sin without even knowing that we sin. Ever thought a bad thought about someone you didn't like? You're sinning.

Still, the images of Hell portrayed in the documentary were pretty frightening. Just the mere idea of being sent to an infinite lake of fire where there will be "weeping and gnashing of teeth" and eternal pain and suffering makes me want to cry. It makes me want to look over the things I have done in my life, and it makes me wonder if what I have done will send me to Hell. In all reality, only God knows where I'm going, so it should be my job to live right by Him...

I'm struggling, but believe me... I'm trying.

That's it...

... I think I'm gonna change my major. After attending my three-hour Biology lab today, I realized how much I truly dislike science. Now, I've always wanted to be a doctor, and like I said in a previous post, I never knew what I would do if I didn't go into the healthcare field. Today (actually for about a week now), I've been considering other options... One of them was, of course, Forensic Psychology. The other was Child Psychology.

Why Psychology, you ask? To be honest with you... I have no idea. Maybe it's because it only requires me to take one year of Biology and then, another Natural Sciences course. Maybe it's because it won't require me to take the MCAT or be in school until the age of 30. Maybe it's because I don't have to take Organic Chemistry. Actually, it's all of the above. I hate, hate, HATE Chemistry. Sure, I did really well in Chem Honors when I took it sophomore year, but that doesn't mean that I like it. And please don't get me wrong, I LOVE the healthcare and medical field... I just don't love the work you have to do to get into it. All these upper level sciences and maths? What? 12-14 years of education? WHAT? I actually knew that last part.

Maybe I'm just lazy...

I've told my boyfriend on several occasions that I wanted to drop out of college and become a stay-at-home mom. I'm still considering it... I don't know. I never thought it would happen to me, but I seriously think I'm at that stage in my life where I don't know WTF I want. I don't know WHAT I wanna do with my life just yet, and I don't know WHAT exactly that I like. My mind is intrigued by so many different things: photography, music, children, surgeries, Biology, art, English, journalism, writing, psychopathic diseases, mental illnesses, learning disabilities, developmental disorders, interior design, culinary arts, music performance, graphic design... How the hell am I gonna figure out which pathway will direct me towards a successful and prosperous career?

*sigh* If you don't take anything with you from this blog, at least take this:

Don't go to college.

Dear ___,

... I love writing letters. Whether it be via e-mail or by the US Postal Services, I love writing letters. I promise you that if you give me an address, I will write you something and/or send you something nice (depending on who you are and whether or not I like you enough). I've been sending and receiving letters to and from my boyfriend's brother, Edwin, who's in basic training with the Army right now. Hearing (or reading, rather) about his experiences makes me laugh... He's such a funny guy. But yeaa... I always wanted to write my friends in college, but I don't know if there's a point. We all have cell phones. I can just call/text them if I wanna talk. Whatever though...

I started writing a story once... It was focused around a girl's diary entries. In fact, that's all the story was composed of. I don't know what happened though...

I never finish anything I start.

I wrote a couple of letters to President Bush several years ago, early in his second term... He wrote me back and he and his wife sent me autographed pictures. I don't know where they are though... My mama put them somewhere when we moved, and I haven't seen them since.

Just a little side note: My fishy does backflips, and he has yet to figure out that he can't swim in front of the thermometer that's in his tank...

Medical/Criminal Shows...

... are the SHIT!

I wanna be a Special Victims detective, a forensic psychologist, or a US Marshall now.

I gotta learn how to shoot a gun first.

Who Am I?

... No, who is he?

Click here to read this touching article about a man who does not know his own identity.

F*ck a Duck!

Saturday night was UT against Oregon. Everyone (including me) said that Oregon was going to beat us simply because they started off their season defeating a team 72-0! And even though we stomped the shit outta UT Martin last Saturday, the team played terribly, and there were huge questions on whether our team was up to par with the Fucks Ducks. Our entire football team in general, I believe, is pretty questionable this season. I don't know much about football — actually, I don't know anything about it at all. I never watched college football until I got to college, and even NOW, I don't watch it like that. Not that I don't want to... It's the fact that I can't. I have to focus on playing the damn music. -_-

Saturday was just a whole bunch of BULLSHIT, and not because we lost to Oregon 48-13 either. My day started off with waking up at 9:45 to take a shower. After that was done and over with and after I got dressed and ate breakfast (Honey Nut Cheerios), I grabbed all my shit (my band uniform, hat box, music, backpack, etc.) and made my way down to the lobby and out of the building. As soon as I got to the lobby, I saw it was raining massively outside, so I grabbed my umbrella which just so happened to be in my backpack from the day before and went on my way.

Side note: Do you know how incredibly difficult it is to hold a uniform bag and an umbrella at the same time?

Anyway... It was raining so hard that we had to start rehearsal indoors. We did a couple of run throughs of Pre-Game and Show 2, and then, they distributed our raincoats, and we went outside to march. I kept my hood up with the intention of keeping my face and my glasses DRY, but that didn't work out. As I marched and played, my hood fell and water splashed all over my face. It just annoyed the fuck outta me. On top of that, I didn't wanna be there, so my mind wasn't 100% focused. When we did Pre-Game, I messed up at the same part I always mess up on NOT KNOWING that I mess up... and as usual, the damn tenor squad leader yelled at me. That is what started the chain effect of pissed off Jenn. I was so mad, I just called my boyfriend and cried. I was pissed for the rest of the day.

Can't you tell? *side eye*

I'm mad no one told me my hat was crooked though. Smh.

Aww...

This article right here (click) touches my heart...

 

:'[

 

... I'm a cry baby. So what?

Major ≠ Career...

... or so my First Years Studies 101 book tells me.

I have realized over the past couple of years that the question "What is your major?" or "What are you going to major in?" often comes up a lot when students are discussing their future career plans or goals. I know from personal experience that every time anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always answered "doctor." It wasn't until the end of my junior year/beginning of my senior year that I decided that I wanted to be a pediatric cardiologist. Why do I wanna be a pediatric cardiologist, you ask? Because I was inspired by my mandatory visit to a pediatric cardiologist at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital when I was 15. I was born with and am still living with two heart defects, and seeing a cardiologist really sparked up my passion for working with children who share similar conditions.

Growing up, I always wanted to be a pediatrician. After learning more about myself and becoming more aware of my flaws and abilities, I realized that I probably wouldn't be a successful pediatrician due to my inability to control and contain my short temper and my ridiculously low tolerance and patience levels. I also realized that I didn't wanna work with adults with heart conditions, so I combined my two interests into one, ultimately creating a very successful career path.

How does this relate to my major? Simple. Right now, my intended major is Biochemistry and Cellular and Molecular Biology. I made this decision around second semester of my senior year (I was originally going to major in Chemistry). After doing a research project for my Health Science Education class, I discovered that most cardiologists majored in some type of Biological Science in college. I was going to major in plain ol' Biology until I searched the major catalogues for the University and Tennessee and learned that Biological Sciences majors have to choose a specific concentration to major in. The rest of them (Microbiology, Ecology, etc.) were of no interest to me, and you should be able to figure out the rest from there.

So here I am, a freshman wanting to major in BCMB, with a strong DISLIKE for upper-level mathematics. You might ask me "Jennifer, how do you expect to be a doctor if you don't like math?" Well, I honestly don't know... I just figured I'd push my way through college and do what I need to do in order to do well and to get into medical school. Hopefully, my plan works out. If not... I really don't know what I'd do. I don't have a second option or a back up plan in case my original one fails. If I don't get into medical school, I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don't really have any other strong interests that I could see myself pursuing a career in.

Anyway, the whole point of this entry is to say that college professors really don't pressure students to know what they wanna major in as soon as they enter their first term of college. I, on the other hand, believe that you should have a fairly good idea of what you wanna do with the rest of your life by the time you graduate – if not earlier. Students going into their senior year of high school with no idea of what college they would like to attend really upset me.

Like, really...

What the fuck are you doing with your life?

... That is all.

Game Day

So we started off the football season well... :] We beat UT Martin 50 to NOTHING! Then, again, it was expected... We didn't expect anything from UT Martin seeing as to how we've never had to face them before. As far as my performances, I think I did pretty well. I know I could do a whole lot better though, and I think that's what I'm gonna make my goal for next week. Well, now, I'm eating a chicken gyro waiting on my boyfriend to come back from Burger King. Then, I'm off to Nashville... again. I've been home every freaking weekend since school started. Isn't life amazing?

GO VOLS!

My birthday...

... was nothing special. I got to see my boyfriend though. :] I've been seeing him more than anyone I was supposed to be seeing from Nashville. *shrugs* Ohh, wells.

I still don't feel like an adult.

You know what I did though? Lol. I went to the gas station and bought a Black just because I'm finally legal to now. The funny thing is the guy didn't even ask me for my ID. He claimed I looked "old enough." Hell, I should've gone there a long time ago if that was the case... LMAO!

... I don't even smoke though.