Prayer...

Dear God,

I come to You today as a daughter trying to find her way. I know that I have been inconsistent in the past with my walk with You, but I want You to know that I am fully committed to You now. I understand that being fully committed requires me to lay all of my burdens down at Your feet and start a new life with You. I am struggling, Lord, with so many things that ail me and strip me of my happiness. Show me, Lord, the key to my happiness — the key to a happier, more prosperous life.

I ask that You guide me down Your paved pathways and bring me into contact with Your people — people who will love me, support me, and who will not tear me down. I want You to remove all the negative influences from my life and set up a forcefield or a shield for my eyes and my flesh. I know that I have sinned against You by engaging in sex premaritally, but I ask You to forgive me now and to help me to NOT give into temptation.

I am trying my best to be as Holy as You are, but I cannot do it alone. I need You — You are my backbone, my support, and my structure. You are the foundation. You are the way. You are the light to all of my darkness. You are the hope to my despair. You are the truth to all of the worldly lies. You are the comfort to my pain. You are a healer, Lord... a cleanser. CLEANSE ME! Cleanse me of my worldly sins... Forgive me for what I have done in the past and for what I may do in the future.

Only You know my heart, God... So help me to not be affected by what others think of me. Help me channel my emotions in healthier, more Godly ways. Help me gain control of my life, for I feel as if my anger and frustration have grabbed hold of me. Please release me from my bonds and my chains... Free me from the things that keep me away from You.

Although I am putting all of my efforts into You now, please forgive me if I fall. Forgive me if I am not strong enough... Don't forget about me. I know of Your everlasting love, but I still do not fully understand. I still cannot grasp the severity of the love that You have and provide. TEACH ME! Show me in Your Word the things You want me to know. Teach me to be like You and like Your Son. Oh, God, I am weak... But You are so strong. You are so righteous... I know You can do many things in and throughout my life.

I want to take time out right now to thank You for all that You have done for me. I want to thank You for all that You have given me. I understand that I am blessed and highly favored and that I would be nothing without You. I would not have anything that I have had it not been for Your unconditional love. Often times, I have tried to take credit for all of my success, but I was WRONG. YOU are the creditor to all things positive that have happened in my life.

My intelligence? I owe to You. My wisdom? I owe to You. My understanding of different situations? I owe to You. My compassion? I owe to You. My sympathy? I owe to You. My desire to help people? My desire to be the best me? My reason for moving forward? I owe them all to You. I am forever grateful for all that You have done, are doing, and will continue to do for me and the people around me.

How could I ever repay You? How could I even begin to pay You back for all that You have done? I guess I could start out by confessing my love and desire for You. I could start out by studying Your Word. I could start out by praising You, worshipping You, engulfing myself in You, surrounding myself with others like You... Just doing my part.

Again, I cannot and will not be able to walk this path alone. Surely there will be shortcomings, trials, tribulations, and many, many obstacles You may have me face in order to test my faith... Lord, I will try my best to be strong for You. As long as You continue to guide me... I am not implying that I would ever give up on You; I am merely stating my dependence upon You. For so long I have thought of myself as an independent — doing things on my own without help from anyone. I know now that it was You all along. You masked Yourself in things that I would be able to understand, since I wasn't able to see You... You waited for me, and now, I am here.

Please guide Glen down the paths to You as well, God... I know that he is one of Your people, a strong man that You have placed in my life. Guide him. Help him to help me to not give in... Help him be a part of my walk, my journey. I want You to work in and throughout his life, too. Thank You for blessing me with his presence... Because he understands my wishes to be closer to You, I know that You are real. I know that he is someone that You want for me, because he does not wish to corrupt me. He wants for me what You want... Help him remember those things... Help him to continue to respect those things...

If he is the man You wish for me to spend the rest of my life with, please work with our relationship. Help us to become a better Christian couple, better followers of You. Help us fight our fleshly desires... Protect us from the Devil's bonds and holds... Cleanse us of our desires for sexual activities... Show us Christian ways to show our love and affection for one another. Help us respect our bodies. Cleanse us of our lustful thoughts. Remove us from harmful situations... Protect and shelter our hearts... that we may be blind to the world and be only aware of Your Will.

This is all I ask of You right now, Lord... I pray that You just show me the way.

In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen

It's Disgusting...

It's disgusting to think about men who rape children, or better yet, people who rape children in general. I never understood what possessed people to inflict such harm on innocent little children... Like, all I can ever think when I hear about that kinda stuff is "What the hell is wrong with you?!" or "What the hell did he/she do to you?!" It's saddening... Here are some statistics related to child molestation*:

• 90% of the predators who molest children have had some involvement with pornography.
• Roughly 33% of girls / 14% of boys are molested before 18.
• Nearly 2/3 (66.67%) of all sexual assaults reported involved minors, and roughly 1/3 (33.33%) involved children under 12.
• Only about 35% of sexual abuse involving children are reported, because children are either too afraid or too embarrassed.

I strongly feel that parents need to teach their children that it is NOT OK for a grown man or woman to touch you in any inappropriate way. Often kids believe that they will not be heard and that no one will believe them, and that truly breaks my heart... I've told me baby sister ever since she started school that if anyone ever touches her the wrong way, the first thing she needs to do is tell somebody. I also told her to NEVER let anyone touch her on or near her private parts. My sister is currently nine-years-old, and I promise you... If I were to EVER find out that some nasty old man, teenager, or any boy for that matter touched her in a bad way, I am going after that person. I will hunt them down and possibly murder them. My sister is my pride and joy, and I would be devastated if anything were to ever happen to her... Especially that.

How do you feel about this subject? I know some of you readers have young children or are even expecting.

*Source: childmolestationvictim.com

Happy Anniversary!

Today marks my 1-year Anniversary with my boyfriend, Glen.

I must say... This year has been one of many imperfections. The countless arguments, petty fights, threats to break up, the tears, the laughter, the smiles, the hugs, the breaking of wallets and checking accounts, everything... Everything that we have been through and shared in this relationship so far has truly been worth it. As unhappy as I may appear to be, I honestly could not picture myself with anyone else. He has continued to stick by me and support me no matter how many times I have tried to push him away. He has done everything possible to ensure that I am happy and that I am having a good time. He looks out for what's best for me, and he's become something like my right hand. We've gotten incredibly close while we've been together, and I can't imagine myself ever living without him.

So here's to one year, babe... and many more years to come. :]

With heavy snow comes friends...

It's Been Great...

Last night while my boyfriend and I were playing Uno, he put down his cards and said to me, "Baby... I'm not ready for you to go." I looked at him and responded, "I am leaving soon, huh?" It didn't dawn on me that we have spent every single day of my Christmas break together. There hasn't been a single night where I didn't sleep in his arms on the couch in the living room. Every morning, I have woken up with his arms around me. Every morning, I have woken up to his smile and sweet kisses. On the days we decide to sleep in, he holds me until I'm ready to get up and then, he sleeps some more (if he's that tired). It's gonna be really hard to readjust back to the college lifestyle and not always having him there.

Although this break has been great, I'm still not completely satisfied... My best friend, Darrion, and I made all these plans to hang out and what not during the month that we were back home, but we only saw each other once. I'm the one to blame. I only stopped by his house once, and after leaving his house, I didn't want to see him for a while. All last week, he said he was at home and that I could stop by whenever I wanted. Did I? No. I didn't even make an attempt. I thought about it, sure... I kept asking my boyfriend to take me, yes... But I just kept getting caught up in other plans, going out to different places, all of these other things... and I didn't even get to see him before he left. I don't even know when he left; maybe it was yesterday. All I know is today is his birthday, and I don't get to see him. Fair enough... He didn't see me on my birthday either.

I know I'm not leaving to go back to Knoxville until early Tuesday, but I feel like my break is already over... Today is my cousin's last full day here, and I don't even think we have any plans. Tomorrow, I have to take her back to the airport and watch her as she flies all the way back to Houston. With these last two days, I want to see a movie, hang out with my friends, have game night, make funny videos, take silly pictures, look at the stars, go out to eat, I don't know... Do everything. I hate that this month has flown by so fast, but I know Spring break is only a couple of months away. Everyone might not have the same Spring break, but at least I'll be home again. College is fun, but in reality, there's no place like home.

Live in the Moment.

Tonight as I was blowing out the smoke from the watermelon and strawberry hooka I was sharing with my friends, I came to a great realization… I am too uptight. Seriously… After smoking tonight, I felt so chill, so calm… Like, tonight was the first night I felt relaxed all semester, and the semester’s basically over. It felt good being relaxed. It was almost a numb feeling. I don’t know if I’ll smoke regularly or if I’ll ever smoke again, but I do know that spending quality time with Devin and Alyssa really allows me to just be carefree. All I wanted to do was sleep. When my boyfriend called me angrily, I didn’t even try to argue with him. I just calmly hung up the phone and went about my night.

I went to my very first “rave,” but I didn’t enjoy it very much. Sure, the jumping up and down was pretty fun, but it didn’t take long for me to get tired. I wasn’t wearing a belt, so my pants almost immediately fell down. My shirt also came up, so my belly was just all out (and that just ain’t cute). I had to hold onto my phone with my life, because if not, I would’ve lost it in all of that craziness. Devin and Alyssa each got a chance to crowd surf, and Alyssa damn near fell on her face (or lost her life). Afterwards, we all just hung out with a couple of more friends and took crazy pictures.

All in all, tonight was a great night. It’s the most fun I’ve had all semester, and that says a lot. I never really left my dorm other than going to class or getting something to eat, and it feels good that I got out for a change. I got to spend the past two nights with some of my favorite people in the whole world, and I wouldn’t change that for anything. Yea, I took a huge step today and did something I said I would never do (smoke), but it was worth it. I think I needed it, and I’m glad I experienced it. I know now, that whenever I want to just let loose and have some fun, I can call my girls and they’ll just show me one hell of a time.

I’m just anxious about what Christmas break will bring…

Love knows no bounds...

This is a note I posted on Facebook Thursday, October 21st, the day after the Wear Purple Day. I read an article on New York Times that I got from Tumblr, I think, and it really inspired me to just speak out all of my feelings. The feedback I got because of it were truly positive, especially from my sissy, Leah. She even took the time out to tag me on her page and recommend her friends to read it. In case you aren't my friend on FB or you are and you haven't read it, the link is here. And if by any chance you are inable to view it, you can read it by clicking the "Read more" link below.

What do you look for in a man...

... besides a job to pay your bills?

My future brother-in-law posted that as his FB status. Here's my response:

"Well... I like a man who is honest, kind, caring, sweet, funny, intelligent, respectful, and down to earth. I like a man who will accept me for all of my faults and who won't be quick to judge me. I like a man who will provide for me as much as I provide for him, who will always be there for me whenever I need him, and who will never leave my side even when times are rough. I like a man who can just learn to appreciate the simple things in life, who isn't always focused on the big lights or the shiny watches or the glamour. Most importantly, I like a man I can totally be myself around. I don't wanna have to feel embarrassed about being a little gassy or accidentally burping out loud, even though nothing I do is an accident. I like a man I don't always have to dress up around. I like a man who will tell me I'm beautiful even when I still have my bed hair and the lil' crusts in my eyes. And you know what the beauty of all that is? I found all of that in your brother.
He's A M A Z I N G... ♥ and I love him."

017.

What does it truly mean to be in love? I've often asked myself this and other ppl this at that... I've gotten a variety of different answers and a variety of similar answers as well. Still, I cannot truthfully say that I understand all that comes with this divine expression of emotions. I used to long for and want to be in love. Every relationship I encountered, I expected to fall in love or experience something close to it. I often felt lost without love or without a man to call my own... And out of this desperation, I sought love and affection from the wrong type of men... I sought love from the immature type; the type that would abuse the gift and tear me into itty bitty pieces. This... this is whyy I am not friends with love.

And contradictory to my last statement, I guess I would not know love if I did not know God... so I guess I just need to take the time out to love Him and myself before I love anyone else. I mean, I know I love the Lord... and I know I love myself... but I want to truly be in tune with myself, truly be in tune with the Lord... before I go out loving someone else.

Did that make any sense?

016.

He makes me smile, laugh, happy, and feel comfortable. We have a connection, a bond, a friendship that's beyond any comparison. I'm glad that I met him; I'm glad that I found him. I'm ready to make it last...

"... & baby, you're like the missing piece to my puzzle."