... My first private blog. This is where I will post all of my private thoughts, my secrets, my randomness, my everything. I have so many things I want to say sometimes... with no one to say it to. Sure, I have best friends; sure, there are people I can talk to... but nothing compares to writing and talking to yourself. Nothing compares to being able to say whatever you want whenever you want. It's almost liberating.
My mind has been almost completely blank today. Well, yesterday. New Year's Eve was amazing, as well as the start of the new year. I look forward to all God has in store for me. This is where I begin calling myself a lazy bum and a couch potato. Why? 'Cause I've been sitting in this same spot all day long -- the living room couch. It's so comfortable here... I can just lay back, relax, sleep, get online, watch TV, eat, read, do whatever it is that I want. If it were up to me, I would never leave this place. I would sit here forever... and just breathe.
My heart is so cold lately. I don't care about anyone or anything as much as I used to. I wish I could care even less. I'm so nice sometimes. I care so much about people sometimes. I just wish that they cared as much I do... I just wish that they cared for me to the same extent that I care for them... but I guess I can't wish that. I'm never going to get that.
There's this guy... and I think about him all the time. He makes me smile. His voice calms me, sooths me. His laughter excites me, makes me feel at peace. I love speaking to him; I love texting him. I love looking at his facebook to see when the last time he updated was. The thing is, he's 20. And I know that has nothing to do with anything, but sometimes, sometimes I wish I knew what was on his mind. Sometimes I wish I knew exactly what it was that he thought about me. I mean, I know he likes me. I know he thinks I'm gorgeous, beautiful beyond all measures. I know that he values and appreciates my intelligence. I know that I amuse him... but what else is there? I wonder... Does he think about me as much as I think about him? I know we're three years apart, but that's not a big age difference. I'm definitely very mature for my age, and he knows that.
Sometimes I wanna tell him how much he makes me smile... how happy he makes me. He started off as a crush, but then, he developed and turned into something completely more than. He became a guy that I liked, a guy that I cared for. He is my bfimh ♥. Don't know what that stands for? It stands for boyfriend in my head. Yupp, that's right... in my head. Because he's not my boyfriend in real life. Idk if I want him to be my boyfriend in real life. I'm not sure of what I want. I haven't had a boyfriend in over a year. Idk if I'm either mentally or emotionally ready to be with another guy. I know that he's different though... At least, that's what my gut tells me. My gut and my soul tells me that everything about him is different. Sure, he's had his past, his history, his share of emotional turmoil... but I still know that he's different.
When I don't talk to him, I miss him. I went through a three-day phase where I pessimistically thought that he was trying to avoid me. I thought, because he hadn't called me, that he didn't want to talk to me. I cried, because my feelings were hurt. I beat myself up about it, knowing that I probably was just over-reacting. I received a forward text message from my cousin one day, and it talked about making a wish. It said that if you did not send the message to 10 people within an hour of reading it, your wish wouldn't come true. Now, I normally don't believe that forward message, mythical bullshit, but this time, this time I thought I would make a wish anyway... knowing that it probably wouldn't come true. I wished that I could talk to him and then, I forwarded the message on.
Luckily enough, I heard from him that night. He texted me... and he called me. I told him how I missed him... He said he was testing me, that he was trying to see if I would call him for a change. I knew that I was trippin'. I knew that I was just over-reacting and going back to my emotional stages. I felt bad. I felt bad for accusing him of being or even thinking that he was like the other guys. Just writing about him right now makes me miss him. I called him earlier, but he didn't answer. I'm not stressing about it... He was the first phone call I made on the first of the new year. I was going to go see him, but my mama called telling me I needed to come home... It was going on 2:00 AM.
Enough about him though... There's also another guy. I met him at church a few weeks ago, and I thought he was cute. I didn't think anything of him though... I just thought he was a cool dude. When he asked for my number, he immediately said "Don't take this the wrong way... I'm not trying to talk to you." So I took that and went along my way... He wasn't trying to talk to me, and I wasn't trying to talk to him. He sure as hell did text me a lot though. We texted every day... We even talked on the phone. I had a feeling he liked me, because he left all kinds of obvious hints. He said sweet things, he spoke about this "girl" in third person, he never wanted to stop talking to me. I tried to play my role as a friend and nothing more, because I thought that was what he wanted. I couldn't help the fact that I liked him.
All I knew was, I didn't want him to know... and I definitely wasn't going to tell him. I didn't wanna look like a fool; I didn't wanna be rejected... So I just left it alone. One day, I received this confessions text message from him, so I confessed that I liked him. After that, we didn't talk about it. I took it as if he didn't like me, and I moved on. I focused my attention on the first guy... Then, he decided to tell me that he liked me, too. I told him it was too late... that he shouldn't have waited so long, because he gave me enough time to get over him. It hurt his feelings.
Now, Idk how or what I feel. I know that I like him, but I also know that I like the other guy more. This second guy though... He told me that he had never chased after a girl before. So I asked him... "You're chasing after me now?" His answer was yes. He said that there was just something about me... *laughs* I've heard that before. Idk what it is about him though... whyy I get so nervous when I'm around him, whyy I used to smile every time I spoke to him, whyy he was all I thought about for just a few days. Now, it's like I don't even care. He's chasing after me, and I don't even care. I like the first guy too much, but I also don't wanna be mean. I don't wanna completely cut him off, because I'm still single. I also don't wanna lead him on though... So maybe I should stop. Maybe I should stop associating with him completely.
When I don't talk to him, I miss him. I went through a three-day phase where I pessimistically thought that he was trying to avoid me. I thought, because he hadn't called me, that he didn't want to talk to me. I cried, because my feelings were hurt. I beat myself up about it, knowing that I probably was just over-reacting. I received a forward text message from my cousin one day, and it talked about making a wish. It said that if you did not send the message to 10 people within an hour of reading it, your wish wouldn't come true. Now, I normally don't believe that forward message, mythical bullshit, but this time, this time I thought I would make a wish anyway... knowing that it probably wouldn't come true. I wished that I could talk to him and then, I forwarded the message on.
Luckily enough, I heard from him that night. He texted me... and he called me. I told him how I missed him... He said he was testing me, that he was trying to see if I would call him for a change. I knew that I was trippin'. I knew that I was just over-reacting and going back to my emotional stages. I felt bad. I felt bad for accusing him of being or even thinking that he was like the other guys. Just writing about him right now makes me miss him. I called him earlier, but he didn't answer. I'm not stressing about it... He was the first phone call I made on the first of the new year. I was going to go see him, but my mama called telling me I needed to come home... It was going on 2:00 AM.
Enough about him though... There's also another guy. I met him at church a few weeks ago, and I thought he was cute. I didn't think anything of him though... I just thought he was a cool dude. When he asked for my number, he immediately said "Don't take this the wrong way... I'm not trying to talk to you." So I took that and went along my way... He wasn't trying to talk to me, and I wasn't trying to talk to him. He sure as hell did text me a lot though. We texted every day... We even talked on the phone. I had a feeling he liked me, because he left all kinds of obvious hints. He said sweet things, he spoke about this "girl" in third person, he never wanted to stop talking to me. I tried to play my role as a friend and nothing more, because I thought that was what he wanted. I couldn't help the fact that I liked him.
All I knew was, I didn't want him to know... and I definitely wasn't going to tell him. I didn't wanna look like a fool; I didn't wanna be rejected... So I just left it alone. One day, I received this confessions text message from him, so I confessed that I liked him. After that, we didn't talk about it. I took it as if he didn't like me, and I moved on. I focused my attention on the first guy... Then, he decided to tell me that he liked me, too. I told him it was too late... that he shouldn't have waited so long, because he gave me enough time to get over him. It hurt his feelings.
Now, Idk how or what I feel. I know that I like him, but I also know that I like the other guy more. This second guy though... He told me that he had never chased after a girl before. So I asked him... "You're chasing after me now?" His answer was yes. He said that there was just something about me... *laughs* I've heard that before. Idk what it is about him though... whyy I get so nervous when I'm around him, whyy I used to smile every time I spoke to him, whyy he was all I thought about for just a few days. Now, it's like I don't even care. He's chasing after me, and I don't even care. I like the first guy too much, but I also don't wanna be mean. I don't wanna completely cut him off, because I'm still single. I also don't wanna lead him on though... So maybe I should stop. Maybe I should stop associating with him completely.
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