017.

What does it truly mean to be in love? I've often asked myself this and other ppl this at that... I've gotten a variety of different answers and a variety of similar answers as well. Still, I cannot truthfully say that I understand all that comes with this divine expression of emotions. I used to long for and want to be in love. Every relationship I encountered, I expected to fall in love or experience something close to it. I often felt lost without love or without a man to call my own... And out of this desperation, I sought love and affection from the wrong type of men... I sought love from the immature type; the type that would abuse the gift and tear me into itty bitty pieces. This... this is whyy I am not friends with love.

And contradictory to my last statement, I guess I would not know love if I did not know God... so I guess I just need to take the time out to love Him and myself before I love anyone else. I mean, I know I love the Lord... and I know I love myself... but I want to truly be in tune with myself, truly be in tune with the Lord... before I go out loving someone else.

Did that make any sense?

016.

He makes me smile, laugh, happy, and feel comfortable. We have a connection, a bond, a friendship that's beyond any comparison. I'm glad that I met him; I'm glad that I found him. I'm ready to make it last...

"... & baby, you're like the missing piece to my puzzle."

015.

I spent seven hours and forty-six minutes with Glen yesterday. I got to his crib at 5:10 PM, and I didn't go home until 12:56 AM this morning. Honestly, I didn't wanna leave. When I got there, we watched videos of Hunters Lane's band and stuff. We also watched videos of him and some people from his drumline playing. After we watched the videos, we played around on his drum for a little bit. Then, we turned off all the lights and watched The Eye. I don't think we watched all of it, though, 'cause we kept kissing and stuff, lol. It took a minute for me to get my first kiss out... but after that and after I got comfortable, we kissed a lot.

The rest of the night, we spent chilling in his room in his bed. As little as that thing was, I was comfortable lying in it next to him. Being next to him feels so natural, so right... as if I belong right there. He asked me if I had fallen for him yet, and I couldn't really give him an answer. I haven't "fallen" for him, because when I "fall," I love someone... I don't love him; I just really, really like him. I'm infatuated with him. He makes me happy, makes me smile. I want to be with him... but I don't love him. I'm not looking to love him right now. I'm sure that with time, I will grow to love him... especially as well as we're going right now.

But yeaa... If you haven't noticed already, I've set my mind on who I want to be with... and it's Glen. He wrote "Glen & Jenn" in the condensation on my car last night, lol. I saw it when I got home. It made me smile. :] He makes me smile... Everything about him. He's so sweet... and he's determined to make our relationship work. We're not even official yet, but it damn near feels like it. I'm happy for myself. I'm happy for him... I'm happy for us.

014.

I think I'm finally there. I think I'm finally comfortable enough to say that I want to be his girlfriend. I think I've let go of enough of my past and let down enough of my shield to allow for potential growth. Idk what it is about him. He just makes me smile for reasons that I haven't been able to smile for in a while. He knows exactly what to say to everything; it's almost unbelievable, unrealistic, imaginary. It's like I'm in a dream or something... and I don't wanna wake up.

I'm not falling in too deep though. As a matter of fact, I'm not falling at all. I haven't fallen for him yet. All I've declared is that I like him and that I have feelings for him. All I've declared is that I'm willing to build a relationship with him. All I've declared is that I've grown enough to forget about the guys that have hurt me in the past and I'm ready to look forward to a better and a happier future. I'm proud of myself.

I'm proud of myself for listening to what Apostle Michael and Dr. Lorelle were saying at church Sunday. I'm proud of myself for actually taking in the Word and relating it to my life and what I'm currently going through. *Random note: I need to change his ringtone. It annoys me.* Right now, I'm simply content with my life. I have no complaints and nothing to be overly excited about.

Prom is coming up in April, and I'm happy that I found two potential dresses for under $100. The first dress is black and it costs like $70. The second dress is turquoise and it costs like $35. I plan on hitting up other places to see if I can find anything else that I might like. Opry Mills has a lot of places, so I've heard. I just don't know when I'll have the time to actually drive out there to hit it up. I guess I could go after school one day... Hmm.

I also found a potential graduation dress as well. :] I saw it in Wetseal. It's madd cute. All I need is a really good push-up bra or one with clear straps that provides maximum support. If not, my boobs will be falling all over the place... and we don't need that. No, no, no. Not at all. I'm kind of excited for prom. :] Not really though... He's taking me to prom regardless of what our relationship status will be by the time of prom night. Hopefully, we'll be an official couple before then. My plan is to hold out until Valentine's Day... Then, say "yes" to make Valentine's Day our official anniversary.

I feel good.

013.

New shit, different day. I made corrections to my FAFSA application yet again. I really wish my mama would know what in the hell she was talking about sometimes. Anywho... I went grocery shopping today. I stocked up on 15 things of frozen dinners. That's right, ya'll. I'm a frozen dinner junky. I refuse to cook, so popping meals into the microwave is the next best thing... aside from having my parents cook for me, that is. I just got through eating some pasta with white chicken, peas, and carrots. :] Mmm, delicious. Earlier today, I ate straight from the Frosted Flakes box. Whyy? Because we didn't have any milk at the time. Now, that we have some though, I think I might pour myself a glass. Hmm...

So I was doing some research earlier today... and I was having a hard time deciding whether I wanted to be a cardiologist, a pediatric cardiologist, a cardiovascular surgeon, or a cardiothoracic surgeon. After some research, I found that cardiothoracic surgeons generally have a difficult time finding jobs. I don't want to go through all of that. Whatever I decide to do, I just know that I want it to involve the heart. The heart is such a vital organ to the human body. Without it, our bodies wouldn't receive the oxygen, the minerals, the proteins, etc. that it needs. Without it, we wouldn't breathe.

I'm not really a big fan of cutting into people and all that, but I've learned that surgeons make a lot of money. My main reason for wanting to become a physician is the money. I don't want to do anything else; I'm not interested in anything else. Ok, I lied. I have a love and a passion for music, but music isn't going to pay for my bills or take care of my family. I don't want to pursue a singing career, and I don't plan on pursuing a career in instrumental performance either. The medical field is my only resort - my only alternative.

Tomorrow, I'm going to church with Leah. I'm kinda excited. Whyy? Two reasons really: 1. I get to spend time with Leah. and 2. I get to see Glen and get my cake icing. Childish, I know, but hey... I love cake icing. Especially cream cheese flavored icing. Omg, it's sooo fucking orgasmic! *shivers* Anyone who buys me cream cheese flavored cake icing will most definitely win my heart. ♥ Mhmmm.

*Sigh* Speaking of mhmmm's... I miss the hell outta Mario. We never talk anymore. I have a strong feeling his feelings for me have changed, or at least altered in a sense. I know mine have, despite how much I wish they hadn't. I can't help the way that I am though. I lose interest fairly easily. If I don't talk to you, I stop liking you. It's as simple as that. You have to give me a reason to like you, and if you're never there, then... I guess I don't have a good enough reason, ya'know? *scratches head* It's about time I washed this hair of mine.